Fear And Love And Birth
“There are only two emotions Fear and Love. Go with Love” - Wayne Dyer
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Life at the moment feels pretty fearful. Asking the question “Is this decision based on Fear or Love” has been a very interesting exercise and not as easy to answer as my first appear. Sometimes we make decisions because we love something or someone so much we want to protect it/them at all costs because we are so afraid of losing it. This brings to my mind the principle of Aparigraha or non-attachment/non-possessiveness. How often does it feel like we are grasping and trying to control a certain outcome? Perhaps we work so hard to obtain something that when it happens we don’t actually enjoy it. You can make it your life’s work to try and control the uncontrollable missing out on what is occurring right now or missing alternative paths that may have been more fulfilling. What about when despite your best efforts to control things, they don’t go your way. When we let go of the need to control and trust that the right thing will unfold (whatever that may be) we feel lighter in our bodies, freer in our hearts and minds. This is of course a daily practice and we can all find ourselves treading the path of fear and control without realising, just as we can get lost in a thought whilst meditating. Perhaps just as noticing your thoughts alters the perspective, asking whether your behaviours or decisions come from fear may give you a new perspective even if you are not yet ready to let go yet. Becoming conscious of the true nature of the feelings behind the actions can bring about change in itself.
This idea of Fear and Love is very present when we look at birth. On a basic level we know that Oxytocin (the Love Hormone) is what makes contractions happen and Adrenaline (sometimes known as the “fight or flight” hormone) is also present in birth. Much like a balancing scale as Adrenaline increases, Oxytocin decreases sometimes causing labour to stall. This is why so many practices around supporting natural birth try to facilitate the production of that feel good Oxytocin, (dimmed lights, not feeling watched, feeling safe and supported). We also know about the Fear-Tension-Pain cycle and that by addressing tension with breathing techniques and movement, using the body’s own nervous system to address the physiological response to fear we can move out of this cycle. World famous midwife Ina May Gaskin tells stories of women whose labour appears to have stalled but once they shared their fears out loud, they were able to continue birthing. Fearful thoughts really do have power and a physical effect on the body but we can take some of that power away by addressing them, saying them out loud, writing them down, having a cry or a shout. Only when we let go can we feel the support come up to meet us.
We all have an imprint before giving birth based on our cultural upbringing. We have information from the media, stories we hear and family history. Watching it on TV you may have some very clear ideas of what Birth involves, lying on a bed, maybe stirrups, dramatic music, lots of scary noise from the birthing women and shouting from those surrounding her. Perhaps even a last minute rescue from death. Brilliant TV - terrible representation of birth! It is not surprising that fear around birth is so prevalent - sometimes encouraged by “horror stories” told by women who have been sidelined and traumatised by their experience and who have had no support coming to terms with these feelings. Is it any wonder so many women enter the birth room terrified?
On top of this from the first appointment through until the baby is here the language used by professionals and the one that is heard more often than most is “risk”. “You are at risk of…”. You are “high risk”, “if you do … you are putting your baby at risk”. When broken down these risks often represent 0.5% (if that) but very rarely are these details given. Nor are the potential negative outcomes of agreeing to intervention or any course of action. Language is so powerful if we changed the word “risk’ to “small chance” does that feel different? Implying that the responsibility of any outcome is based on a mother’s decision again feeds into this illusion of control in the worst way, tapping into our deepest fears. If we are to make an informed decision about our body and our baby we need all the information. We also need to know that ultimately we can’t control any outcome.
You might say, “Clair this is all a bit depressing, what can we do about it?”
Good Question! Here are my suggestions for how can we approach Birth without Fear being in the driving seat? All of these you will practice as part of LushTums Pregnancy Yoga classes.
1. Attend a good Antenatal Education course. Knowledge is power! If we understand how our bodies work, how they are so cleverly designed to grow and birth a baby this can really change how you view things. Turn contractions from “eeek scary” to “Wow! Incredible”. Some people find breaking things down into numbers and actually looking at the statistics and where they come from helpful. I would recommend you and go in to your classes with an open mind. Lots of things I learnt in my antenatal classes I thought wouldn’t be applicable to me and I was jolly glad when they happened that I had paid attention and was able to utilise that knowledge. There are some brilliant people interpreting research and reading the studies and making them digestible for you. Dr Sara Wickham and Professor Amy Brown are my “wikipedia” when I want to find out more.
2. Challenge the thoughts - fear is often felt as a physical response or is seen in how you behave but behind all of that there is a thought or a belief. What is it? Write it down - is it 100% fact or is it an opinion, where did that opinion come from, is it fair, is it true? If the answer is “I don’t know if its true” - look it up (see point 1). You may find that your “thought” wasn’t a hungry ferocious tiger about to eat you - it is actually and adorable kitten who at worst is going to give you a little scratch.
3. Stop and Take a breath! Our thoughts are not always logical and fear very rarely is so if we can’t always logic our way out of fear, what else can we do? Taking a deep breath sets off a chain reaction in your body. It slows your heart rate, gives you a full oxygen exchange, helps to release tension (which can add to pain), helps you to switch the parasympathetic nervous system (sometimes known as rest and digest) from the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight - adrenaline). Our thoughts can affect our bodies but it works the other way too. I’m pretty sure when you are tired or in pain your thoughts lean towards the negative and when you are feeling well rested and pain free it is easier to be kinder with your thoughts and more balanced.
4. Ground yourself - use your senses to feel where you are in space. Feel the ground or support you are on, feel the parts of your body connected there, feel sensations on your skin, listen to the sounds around you - let them wash over you without the need to label or get caught up in a story about them, what can you smell, what can you taste. What can you see, what colours, what light? If your mind takes you into a story about any of these things, notice and come back to the sensation.
5. Move your body - it changes your energy, gives you something to focus on and helps you to feel more comfortable. We use movement to help your body and baby move through labour. We know staying active in birth can reduce labour times significantly. In everyday life finding movement you enjoy can take you out of your head and give you “space”. Using breath and movement together is magic which is why more and more people everywhere are enjoying the benefits of Yoga!
6. Practice relaxation - learning how to bring yourself into a state of relaxation is something that gets easier with practice. Being able to drop into a place where you release tension and feel calm is a great skill to take into birth helping to break the fear-tension-pain cycle. In a world of “doing” relaxation often gets put to the bottom of the pile but it is essential for our wellbeing. Pregnancy is sometimes the first time that people connect with that deep need within the body for rest. In fact it feels so good, the 20 minute yoga Nidra and guided relaxation is often people’s favourite part of the class. It is also a place where you can invite in positive beliefs and helpful thought patterns into the subconscious as you do in hypnobirthing.
7. Make a birth plan (A, B & C) - in your ideal scenario (A), how would you like birth to look? What preferences do you have? How do you want your care providers to interact with you? If your ideal scenario is not possible, what would be the next best option (B)? Would your preferences look different? What about if you find yourself in an emergency (or more likely unplanned) situation (C). What things are still important to you? What options would you like offered if available. This might look different for every person. Creating the plans may raise questions and is an excellent chance to speak to your partner, do your research and really check in with your thoughts and feelings. When thinking through your plans notice if you are really attached to Plan A - is that because you are afraid of Plans B & C? How might find a way to bring some Aparigraha in. Are you not even aiming for Plan A because of fear. If you aim for Plan A its true, there is a chance it might not happen but if you aim for Plan B - Plan A will definitely not happen! We know that having a positive birthing experience is not down to location, or how events unfold. It is down to how you feel about them. You can have an empowered and joyful Plan C and a traumatic Plan A. All we can do is stack the cards in our favour and hold our hopes lightly.
8. Remember BRAIN -
Benefits - what are the potential benefits of this choice - how likely are they?
Risks - what are the potential negative outcomes - how likely are they?
Alternatives - what are they?
Intuition - what is your gut and your heart telling you? If you had no outside input, what decision would you make?
Nothing - what happens if we do nothing or we wait?
9. Support - is your birth partner full of fear? Are they confident to use their voice to advocate for you? Perhaps you would both benefit from having a doula.
10. Let Go! - You may have stacked the cards in your favour but ultimately giving birth is about surrender. This is without a doubt the hardest thing for most people. It means acknowledging and embracing your full vulnerability. It is acceptance, it is faith, it is hope and it is true power that comes from you but is not controlled by you. If grasping is fear, letting go is love.
Dominque Sakoilsky author of “Seven Secrets of a Joyful Birth” wrote: -
“In the first stage of labour we must go with the flow, in transition we face our darkest fears, and then in the second stage we come to the biggest letting to of our lives in order to give birth to new life. In this way, a woman has to find a depth of trust within her that she may never have felt before. This is love and complete surrender in action.”
By Clair McGill, LushTums Bristol (Downend) and LushTums Director of Business Development